The best set of gifts from my sayang 

Juin comes

Yes I realise that I haven't posted anything since June passed as by. There was that 6.6.6 date where nothing apocalyptic or anything close to a fly being swatted happened. It was boring and I kinda wished I had delivered a baby boy on that date and name him Lucifer. Hmmmm.

Well actually before June came, many things happened. You could say life changing, definitely many changes. I don't live with my boyfriend's house anymore. Their deal with their landlord ended in the last day of May and before I know it we were packing everything and giving a thorough make over to the house. We bought new windows, and even had the time to paint the kitchen walls 3am while downing beer as a celebration of our last night there. It was so tiring, seriously moving out is so tiring. It doesn't beatthat time a year ago when I helped B and Leena move out from A269 and we moved out for 3 straight nights. But it was still tiring because we had to replace broken windows and clean up the whole house which was pretty much trashed from the explosion.

The biggest change is not having that special someone you love around with you since the last 5 months together with you anymore. Life with him has been great around the house, he made me feel as comfortable as possible and it's an experience I've never had in my life before. Some of you might think spending all your waking moment with someone is suffocating. But to me it was never suffocating or bad. We have our own time and space if we need it, we respected each other's space. It was also awesome that we're like great friends that we could always find stuff to talk about and games to play, stuff to watch. For all those time the only problem at the end of the day was not having enough of the time. I complain bout that all the time together with him because there's so much we want to do together and there was his priorities with his studies and I'd just be patient and watch him go about his errands and work. Sometimes I wonder if I actually bothered doing mine? Anyway it was tormenting seeing him there but it's so hopeless to ask for his attention. But I'm so proud of his success after all the time he's sacrificed to spend with me. Maybe that's why I haven't written anything in here, it was too painful for me to write about the place that used to be our home. When I close my eyes I can imagine how his bedside table had my picture on it, the dusty corners, the bed that we never made, everything just comes together and I'm back there. The place where we first kissed, the place where everything started. One of my most important places in this world and I can't even go back there.

And now he's gone...

Well not gone, just in another town, 30mins drive and 2 bucks toll away. My beloved is doing his internship program somewhere in KJ and I'm left here with all this holiday time to myself. I pretty much procrastinated to do the errands I was suppose to run during all this free time and next Monday classes start. I really screwed myself.

But being away from his could be good. I see this as a test to our relationship, that we were strong no matter what circumstances were. I see his maybe a few times a week and it's nothing compared the endless hours we used to spend together, but it's still great. I dream of him all the time and even if I feel like I miss him, I know he's near with me in my memories.

Results are out. 3.31??? AGAIN?? I got an A for French by the way, which is really weird because I could've sworn that paper was like in some foreign language.

Let's recap what I've achieved despite my incomplete errands.

Watched every Scrubs episode. Revived childhood memories by watching Neverending Story again. Watched Grey's Anatomy season 1, watched some other movies, saw the last episode of That 70s Show(that was actually pretty sad) and became Monopoly master.

There was also Helen's birthday party where we went back to her place after because the bar her party was held at closed at 11pm(Hops and Grapes Cyberjaya, never plan your party here!). She read us our tarot cards. Some were pretty close, it was like, "Damn how does she know!"

Here's a summary of the reading. I forgot what the first card was, but she asked me whether I was a Gemini because that card has something to do with it. And yeah, I am a Gemini. Then the second card revealed I am strong in the occult which is cool since I've always liked all these magic stuff we read and a few times I tried to do spells.

Then Past Present Future of my love life

Past:
"I've been wanting something, something I can never have but I still want it" When she said that I knew what she meant was a fairytale relationship. Since the first time I was attracted to boys, I've always thought of a perfect world for my love life.

Present:
"I have to realise nobody is perfect and I should love those imperfections"

Future:
"I will get so much love from someone" And I only hope it's from one person.

Then the week after there was the annual event of my boring life, the Seventeen Summer Splash. This is an event I go with my best friends every year and we party at Sunway Lagoon as if we're still in high school. And being with them since a decade ago, it never feels old or wrong. Even if everything around us changed, may it be our life, or our environment, our friendship stays the same.

Things have been pretty good for me and Karthik lately. I really felt like our relationship matured and we're better at dealing and compromising with one another. I know that I can never love someone as much as I do now and all he needs to know is that. I've also learn to let go and make peace with our past, because then only my mind feels sane and I don't get the rage aching in my heart. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and it's so easy to be with him. I've learned to deal with that insecurities I had and once I've passed all those negative mojo I'm feeling that I'm falling more and more.

Sorry for the weird and random ramblings baby, but this blog is just for you now.

I love you

The fine line between passing and failing

Wrappping up my finals today made me realise how since way back when I first started doing exams in kindy wearing pink glitter lace sneakers, til today, things have never changed.

I'm still lazy and I procrastinate to the very end to study; I study as little as possible(I round out the things the lecturers and the other students tell me might come out and study just that) which in some cultures is known as studying smart.

That's the problem, I never study hard. I get at least 6 hours of sleep before a morning paper and not even for SPM have I sacrificed sleeping time. I never wana push myself that extra hard because I'm always thinking, if I flunk the paper, it'd be a waste of shut-eye time studying like a nerd on steroids. Especially subjects I hate, I don't even bother acknowledging their existance. Programming, chemistry, biology, finance, accounting, you can all kiss my naked ASS! If you were people, I'd be the biggest bitch around y'all!

Amazingly though, throughout my 18 years of life facing final examinations, I get by with pretty decent grades. Nothing brag-worthy, but good. Hey if it wasn't why would TM sponsor my studies rite?

Have you ever 'accidently' seen other people's answer paper, especially for objective questions and check out yours and realise that it's different and you start arguing with yourself whether you should change the asnwer or stick with it because you know it's rite and you trust yourself? Then you start trying to remember that person who's answer sheet you had a glimpse at, and try to recall whether he/she was a geek in class or whether she was the lecturers pet. Well in the case of subjects or things I have NO clue about, that's a blessing. Hehehehehe.

How bout for papers like maths and accounting where you see people around you scribbling down answers like mad and you think "Do they know more than me? How come I don't know the answers?". I recently found out that indeed they were as clueless as me, but maybe they don't spend time like me looking around worried why are the others capable of answering. I should fake that whole exam confidence thing next time, totally.

So finals are over, I'm going to get wasted tonite, so wish me luck on that!

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Playing god

I like watching the way people with god-complexes act around other people. I wonder if they wake up one morning and decided to be all arrogant and narcissistic around the other lowly scum.

I'm not diagnosed with such a weird psychological complex, although I do the "In Your Face" chant around people whom I just proved wrong or something like that.

Ever wondered what being god would be like? Here are the things I'd change if I was the big guy up there....

- there wouldn't be any different races on earth. I don't think my godly powers can get rid of racism that has been around since there was a diverse human race, so we'll have to improvise

- there won't be any more freaky weather like where it blazes hot boiling humidity throughout the whole day, and it rains and floods throughout the whole night (What's up with that anyway?)

What would you do if you were god?

Fotopages updated

Click here for the pictures

I uploaded some 'decent' pictures from last time's party at zouk for the CLEO's Most Eligible Bachelor. I know I should be studying but I want to procrastinate a wee-bit more.

The first sunset we sat down to watch together, 4/24/06 - Putrajaya bridge 

Under pressure

It's just a few hours after I woke up. I know there's finals waiting for me next week which I have to study for. But here I am, trying to deal with my weird feelings bout stuff.

One of my open tab on my browser is loveshack.org. It's a relationship advice forum, my friend is a member there and he always tells me it's where he goes to when he's feeling down about his relationship issues. Reading other people's problems may help you deal with yours.

I don't really know what I'm doing here. I never thought I'd find myself here. Now I realise maybe I need to seek counselling. I have a huge problem with being insecure which is weird because I had NEVER been this way before. And I've been through so many relationships before this without a slight feeling of insecurity at all. But now it's all that's been haunting me. Sometimes I feel the only way I can deal with this is by just ending everything. But I know that's dumb because we both love each other so crazily that it'd be even more absurd to end it because of my problem handling his past or trusting him.

Sometimes I don't know why I should feel insecure. I should be the last person to feel this way because I know I have someone who loves me so dearly, but is that enough? I also notice the destroying things I do to overcome my hurting. It's something I shouldn't be doing at all, but sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel better and 'even' with him. I only wish he knew how I felt, but seeing me all depressed like this, I don't think he knows why it's a big of a deal to me.

This thing is killing us both. I'm on the verge of snapping anytime, and I know if I don't deal with this quick, it can end something I want so much.

Turning to friends? Nah, they are too biased. I don't have anyone to really explain this to right now.

I am also thinking of seeing a shrink, just because I don't know who else to help me. I really need to save myself before I risk doing anything bad. Just wish I could control my thoughts so I wouldn't always have to have these shitty assumptions in my head. God, I think I'm going crazy.

I jump you, you jump me

A nice day out with my baby, having Sushi King and just hanging out in the bargain bin afterwards, ooops. Did I say bargain bin? I mean the most hottest and most expensive shop, EVER!

Then went back, chilled out, then I had to go back home, bid him farewell, started my car, then, krrrrrrrr-..............dead silence

My car died. Battery was probably gone because the last time I maintained the battery water and all those other frilly things was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

So I remmembered one time when Leena's car died at my house, she had those cables and my car helped it to spring back to it's life.

Lucky for me, even with holidays going on now, Leena was in Cyber, but Ramon had her car to go buy food, or somethin'. So we had to wait for him to get back, a gruelling one hour. Then my boyfriend, being my hero disguised in glasses, a tshirt, jeans and flipflops helped by connecting the 'rubberless' cables to the battery. Of course, cables so old without 'protection' is very dangerous, but as soon as he got the connection correct, using tissue paper as his ONLY 'protection', we managed to start the car again.

Maybe it was some way of Leena's car saying "This is me, owing YOU", to my car.

Hahahah, maybe not, it's just the science of machines, that the dead battery needs a chargin' no matter from which other car battery.

Nah, I'll still take the other version. Fairy tales keep me sane.

Things are getting hotter

And I don't mean this freakishly hot weather we're having now.

Studies will be tougher, next final year I'm having double dosses of subjects because during the previous trimester I was too busy having a life then to bother taking 7 subjects at once. And now I need to take 7 subjects next sem and more for the next 2 trimesters before I can actually graduate.

And there's also that nagging worry-wart in me that is scared of what will happen in the future and also the haunting memories of the past. Maybe if we just concentrated into just living the best in this present moment, things will be more easier. But that's what I live for and so far I know it's just stalling the endless possibilities of things crashing on me in the future. Everything is just a matter of time.

Finals are next week, and I lied to my academic advisor, NO, I haven't studied jack for it. She keeps asking me to study hard and improve but since I'm a first class lower student, things aren't that bad as they exagerate it to be, is it? Am I that dumb as to what this peole try to tell me?

And the most painful fact, at the end of this month, I'd no longer live with my boyfriend. He has to move out, go out and work, while I'm stuck at home doing nothing. By the way when I say work, I mean industrial training.

I'll miss playing the Xbox which I don't adore that much, but something I love doing with him. Sure I've played that goddamn, PS2-is-so-much-better-than-you machine at Jordy's before, but nothing was as special as just the two if us playing some macho ass game, during early AM, and me beating him in bust-a-move on the SNES emulator. Heh. I'll miss so much more than that including hanging out with his really cool housemates, making me realised that I underestimated the guys from my college. There are the selected few ones who are really great to hang with, I'm just happy I could actually chill with them anytime.

Things are going to change drastically, I just hope our relationship can withstand whatever things that gets in the way. Even though I won't be with him as always as I did with him as now, I know we'll try hard to make things better.

01:02:03:04:05:06

The time was 1.02 AM on the 4th of May, Y2K6. So what you were doing that moment really mattered and was going to determine the rest of your pathetic life?

Well, so says those astrologers.

I was with my shayang, buying food around the Equine Park area, he was taking a break from his FYP mania. And that moment passed and 'twas a shame there was no explosion or some freaky thing going on that time. It would be awesome.

I was always awaiting that moment where thunder appeared from nowhere and striked the same spot for 40 times(was it 40?) like in War of The Worlds before all hell broke loose with aliens going around dusting people and stuff around it. SUPER COOL!

So anyway, it passed like any moment did. No thunder, no explosion, no laser beam shooting out from the skies. Time didn't freeze, everyone seemed normal, almost human-like!

I did kiss my boyfriend at the moment, in case it DID bring any significance.

But what I'm waiting for is June 6th of this year. 6/6/6

Now hell should break loose then ey?

I'm not copying out

Change, is suppose to be good. There comes a point in life where it leads you to crossroads, paths to choose, and when you have chosen a path, maybe changes are needed to adapt.

I've been going through that a lot lately. It takes something loud to explode to make you realise what you really want. And that wasn't a metaphor.

Right now I feel like I need to make serious decisions for my life. Life decisions are things in life I try to refrain from because it's not something I'm eager to do. I made a lot of bad decisions in my life before, right now I'm lucky to just stay alive when the ones I need to make now.

Yeah sure this all may sound random. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore.

CLEO's 50 most eligible bachelors

Me and the eligible bachelor 

An event I went to because I haven't seen my friends in ages and I haven't club for months now. If it's not because of that, I wouldn't even bother going. I don't even read CLEO(I prefer the bible, Cosmopolitan, the American edition of course).

It was at zouk last Friday night, a huge event since I've never seen the parking so full at 10pm, and I've never paid as much as 10 bucks for my usual 6 bucks parking on the usual Friday loft nights.

Most of my friends were there, B, Afiq, Abs, Helen, Rauf, Jordy, Josh, Steph and her new boyfriend, and that girl Iszie I made out with once. 'Cept for now that I'm someone's girlfriend, making out with her again would be unappropriate. So we leave that skank activity to Helen instead.

My friend/Flatline drummer/Studio Voxel founder, Mussadique Suleiman was bachelor number 9. Jordan was apparently given the chance to be in the group of those 50 'hot'(not all of them were hot, some were repulsive) bachelors, but he blew it off because of something I'm not to sure of. But most probably we can sneak him into the top 50 next year? Who knows.

Afiq was friends with 2 other bachelors on the list, which explains why he got the invite. It was a guy name Ben, and some other guy who I can never remember his complicated Sarawakian name. I didn't meet them though.

It was a night where I was actually pretty tired, I kept yawning, but it was the company of my friends which kept me awake. Spent more time taking pictures and talking to them then dancing. But I still had a great time. I guess I'm not the clubber I used to be. I also kept thinking of my sayang at home.

Zeaaalood weeif arre ziigboof(This human spends time doing crap)

10 reasons why I haven't updated this blog in ages:

10: Brimful of assignments suffocating and drowning me

9: Chuckload of presentations where every single subject I take, my groupmates expect me to present

8: Organising Flatline's upcoming gig, synchronising with Yuri from Frequency Cannon

"Flatline and Deja Voodoo Spells performing at the Project Bazooka - in brotherhood with Troubador and Heineken gig at Laundry Bar, The Curve, Damansara Utama(that bulding connected to IKEA) 9 PM - 18th May)"

7: Acting for my friend's advertisement for a college assignment as slut#2

6: Cooking homecooked meals, because it gets irritating when you don't know where else to eat after 4 months of eating out

5: Getting rid of bitches and people with smugness

4: Keeping up with all the downloaded TV series; South Park, My Name is Earl, etc

3: Discovered a new TV show I like, Robot Chicken, busy watching that

2: Sending my sister back and forth everyday to Lim Kok Wing from Cyber to SK to LKW, a good 60KM in one day, I'm now officially sick of driving

1: My brain was taken over by these nasty aliens for the past 2 weeks and blogging wasn't their thang

Pixel, the kitten formally known as McNugget

Meow? Why did you guys change my name from a tasty snack to some nerdy word?

The previous kitten McNugget which I mentioned in my is now huge. He hardly fits in the pocket anymore, check out Anas' blog for more before and after pictures. Caution for cat lovers with weak hearts, may cause heart attack from cuteness overload. Owh yeah, update, after he was admitted to kitten ICU, he's now ok. It was just some cat stomach infection. But he seems to bite everything in the office and eats anything you offer him, no wonder he's having diarrhea. He's so frisky, especially when it gets late. Keeps pouncing on anything that moves, even tried to climb me with his sharp claws like my skin was a bark of a tree.

Went to Voxel last weekend with Fiza to visit Bulma. Luckily Jordan was out, he kept asking them whether I was snubbing him out lately. Yeah haven't seen him in ages, will catch up with other ninja-ly thoughts with him soon.

WAAAAAAAAAARHUM!

I'm the monstorous cat that will eat you up!

Pixelated 

Coutured layout

A juicier layout

This is my latest myspace look. I took a Juicy Couture theme, thanks to my neighbour babe Shazzy. Had nothing else to do today really. 2 term papers to write, a presentation, a mid term, all next week and here I am changing myspace page layouts. Anyway you can always view the page from the link at the sidebar on the left.

And I have 800+ friends. No I don't go adding people, I do have a life. But after almost 2 years, all I had to do was approve those strangers to fatten up my friends list. Add me if you happen to drop by. But for those who really know me on a more personal level, I'm in friendster, and sorry but I only approve requests from people whom I know.

New 'do

Shorter, younger?

My friends who heard that I cut my hair has always been asking me for a picture since recently it's so hard to meet my friends and hang out with them due to college business. So here's what it looks like, nothing special. The only shock was to some people who knew me the first time and I had hair so long, it covered my boobs. But then last December I cut it shorter, and less than a month ago, shorter. Cutting of hair is like an addiction, I think.

Some say I look older, Bulma says I'm trying to compete with her, since she cut her long locks too, some have no comments, my boyfriend actually said I looked the same? I think long hair made me look skankish.

Carbonara, NOT CAMANARA! idiots

The yuckiest thing you can ever eat

Cyberjaya seriously lacks interesting places to eat. And me and my boyfriend never really have much of a choice where we could have a dinner. It's always around Cyber if we're too lazy, Alamanda if there was also a need to just buy groceries too, Puchong once in a while or the usual SK area where my favourite Chinese restaurant is. Well, dining out every night for the past 4 months can only mean we should change this routine so we decided to go to Putrajaya's food court since we both haven't been there in ages. It's also nice to go somewhere I've never been together with him. Yeah so I've been there before, so it doesn't count.

Anyway, after the quick decision to drive there, it was already late according to Putrajaya time, 10pm.

So most of the shops were closed. And that whole area being a very Malay place, it was kinda uncomfortable for us being what we were. But ignorance is bliss, and we decided to grab some grub from the western stall.

On the menu there was this thing called 'Camanara' for RM6. Now I know I'm not Italian so I can't really judge whether this thing was even a legit pasta dish. I asked the woman behind the counter who looked more like a dyke what it was, and she said it's shoestring spaghetti with cream sauce. Then I thought, maybe it's carbonara, these idiots just misheard it somewhere and when they decided to make their own version, they never double-checked the spelling. Plus she said they put bacon in it. Wokey, definitely carbonara. One please!

So there I was, hungry, and thinking I'd get to eat what I thought was coming. But surprise surprise. It didn't look like carbonara. In fact it didn't look edible at all. The spaghetti was drowned in this soup texture like white colored sauce, the smell was confusing because they put so many different spices in there, NO CHEESE!, and worst bits of green capsicum was swimming in the whole sesspool as well. I hate the taste of capsicum. It's tolerable in pizza because you can always take it out. This one took me ages to just find edible bits of pieces.

Take my word for it, it's the most awful place to get western food from. Drain food maybe. I ended up feeling bad because I didn't finish my dinner and the sluggish appeal of the leftover made me wana puke. So if you happen to go to Putrajaya's food court where there's that western stall, turn back.